Cancer Awareness Shabbat Ha-azeinu October 11, 2019

Shabbat Shalom.  Thank you, Makom Solel Lakeside, Rabbi Serotta, Rabbi Moffic, Cantor O’brien for having this first Cancer Awareness Shabbat and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts.

These past 2 weeks, on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, when we recited Unetanah Tokef, which translates to “We shall ascribe holiness to this day” it was not easy for me. Here are some verses which I am sure you will recognize:

 On Rosh Hashanah it is inscribed, and on Yom Kippur it is sealed - how many shall pass away and how many shall be born, who shall live and who shall die, who in good time, and who by an untimely death, who by water and who by fire, and so on.

I have always thought about this prayer as my empty stomach begins to grumble. But this year it was different.  It was difficult for me to recite this central prayer.  In fact, I couldn’t get the words out despite being very familiar with it. 

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer 11 months ago. That diagnoses changed more than a few things in my life, and, this Yom Kippur, the changes in my mindset really came into focus.   

Unetanah Tokef is an uncharacteristically literal piyut, poem in our liturgy. It was composed during the Byzantine period about 330 to 1453 CE. There were hundreds of these piyutim from this time but this is the one which survived and made it into our High Holy Day Machzor. (thank you, Cantor Jay, for this input)

Putting myself in their shoes, I wonder how the community of that time period felt reciting Unetanah Tokef. “Who by famine and who by thirst? Who by earthquake and who by famine” are literal questions that may seem distant for us, as we worry about being “that guy who replies-all to an email thread,” (full transparency, that’s me!) but for our ancestors these were real concerns. 

Unfortunately, the climate crisis is bringing back some of these concerns, but that is another sermon for another day.

For me, living out my cancer diagnosis, I felt for the first time like I got it: Death, and the struggle to avert it, isn’t theoretical for any of us. It’s our reality.But the High Holy Days are not days of suffering or reality without  healthy doses of hope. No matter what you have done, the poet tells us, the severe decree‑-the penalty of death‑can be averted. We can follow the advice of the sages, “Three things cancel the decree, . . . prayer, tzedakah and repentance” 

(Genesis Rabba 44:12) 

Trust me, I know that my cancer is a journey.  As I stand here today, I know that the power of prayer and the power of community continues to be a source of my hope. I’d like to take to share how the power of this community has come to life for me during the past year.

I stated in my first blog post, (if you don’t have it you can find it  at:  In One Ehrlich),  I mentioned that beyond your good wishes another way of supporting me and other friends, congregants and people who are going through cancer is through fulfilling the obligations outlined in the prayer we say in morning services: Eilu d'varim sh’ain l'hem shiur, these are the things you can do without measure:  going to services, studying, and committing deeds of loving kindness. Experiencing this community coming together to add to all of our Jewish journeys has brought me incredible happiness and gives me another form of hope, so please be sure to continue to let me know what mitzvot you have been doing and which mitzvot when you did it surprised you the most!

And that’s not the only place my community has come together to help us on this journey. My family joins me in thanking everyone who donated, brought meals, ran errands for us, visited, sent beautifully written cards and emails with words of hope and encouragement, gift cards for meals and the list goes on. This form of Tzedakah, while I cannot medically prove it helped put my cancer in remission, it certainly did bring comfort to my family, knowing that we had all of your support. The response to my news was and continues to be overwhelming. 

And through it all, last week I was able to give my own form of Tzedakah in the form of a visit to a Makom Solel Lakeside member when I delivered a Shabbat meal.  It felt so good to give back after so many who have supported me, and I even felt like myself again when preparing and delivering this meal. 

I always caution people NOT TO GOOGLE this disease, or any other cancer.  The one place I CAN tell you to google is Sharsheret.  Sharsheret, Hebrew for "chain," is an American not-for-profit organization intended to support Jewish women with breast or ovarian cancer, or a genetic predisposition to it, and their families.  I am not sure if you know, but due to a higher prevalence of a BRCA mutation, Ashkenazi Jews have a higher risk of developing not just breast and ovarian cancer but also pancreatic cancer.  Knowledge is power, especially when it means catching cancer early, I am so glad to thank Sharsheret for all their help and support. Tonight, at the Oneg you will see information from Sharsheret, you can see the spelling of the organization to better google it.  

This summer I was so happy to spend my annual 2 weeks of rejuvenation at our Summer camp, Olin Sang Ruby Union Institute. I was able to participate in Face Paint Friday by painting my bald head.  Pictures in my blog. I also decided to do a personal mitzvah and went to the Mikveh, the Jewish ritual bath after getting the news that there was no evidence of disease in my body.  Many people go to the Mikveh before they convert, or before their wedding, like my daughter Lital. There are other reasons to go to the Mikveh, including when you are transforming from one phase of life to another. When I went to the Mikveh it was a very emotional moment for me. The mikveh attendant had prepared personal healing prayers for me and as the water washed over me, I cried. 

Now as many of you know I am a public crier. I readily admit this. I cry when I introduce a Holocaust survivor to speak to our community, I cried when I charged our confirmation students.  But I do not usually cry about myself. This time it was very cleansing both inside and out to go to the Mikveh.  Like hearing Unetakah tokef earlier this week, I felt the reality of mortality at the Mikveh.

I can’t miss an opportunity to talk Torah. Our parasha, portion this week is Haazeinu, meaning to listen.  The passage from this parasha is commonly known as Shirat HaMosheh, the song of Moses.  Cantor Elizabeth Sacks points out to us: 

We discover that Moses uses musical repetition here as a purposeful tool to deepen and accentuate the profundity of this moment. As he prepares to depart from their presence, Moses employs a haunting, recurrent chant to ensure that the Israelites will understand, feel connected to, recognize the contours of, and eternally remember the wisdom he has gleaned from his life’s work. In this instance, simplicity itself is what breeds strength and staying power.

We all know there is much to be done in the area of cancer research.  I believe that we must keep repeating ourselves to get the message out, join groups like Sharsheret, have a Friday night service about cancer awareness and reach out to our community to those still going through treatment and their families.  Just like when you hear Shabbat, High Holy day or our weekend day nusach, melodies, remind yourself to help someone who doesn’t feel well, donate to Sharsheret, investigate getting genetic testing, or just come to services and sing the Mishaberach prayer.

Thank you all for being here tonight and those of you who are with us by streaming our service. Please know that being part of a caring community is what helps me and many of us survivors get through the rough times and celebrate the good times.  

Kein Yehi Ratzone,

May it be God’s will 

Amen

ScanAnxiety, how to bench Gomel (Prayer said after recovering from a serious situation) and IN REMISSION

Last Chemo on May 20

Ever since my surgery, I have had Scan Anxiety.  I keep hearing the theme song from Mel Brooks’ High Anxiety movie play in my head for the last two weeks. For my younger chevre here is the link to High Anxiety and yes it is an earworm. Fair warning, it is even catchier than Old Town Road and no it is not about getting HIGH either. 

I had my last scheduled chemo 2 weeks ago and during those weeks all I could focus on, besides the song, was the next step, the CT scan. That scan would let us know whether the cancer was still present in my body.

My scan Anxiety was at an all time high over the past two weeks.  I know many cancer survivors (and I will be part of this group) continue to have CT scans for months, years, and possible decades after their initial diagnoses. I can only imagine how many times those people would have played that song in their head if they had read my blog.

Just change the word high to scan because scan anxiety works.

Well it's the high anxiety

I'm a victim of society, It's my high anxiety

Getting to the best of me, Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna explode

When I'm approaching total overload, I know that when I'm having a panic attack

To duck and cover cuz I can feel it coming, You know I wish that this was over and done

Heart pounds I can feel it escalating, Well it's the high anxiety

While waiting for the phone call from my doctor I was discussing what to write for a positive scan and/or a negative scan, Arthur said, "negative scan? We are only writing the Victory Speech!"

This morning when my phone rang and it was my doctor, the theme song was blasting at full volume. I heard the words “you are in remission and NED, “No evidence of disease”, I cried. Those who know me, may not think this is surprising. I cry when I speak about the Holocaust, I cry when I send my students off to OSRUI for a summer of Jewish camping, and I may have cried once watching “Long Island Medium” with my daughter. The strange part is that through this journey, I have not really cried about having cancer. Anxiety impacts your body in various ways, and perhaps my Scan Anxiety was acting as a gate. But when I heard the words  “You are in remission”, the Scan Anxiety gate broke and I cried.

Me in the wig

What’s next you may ask?  I will be receiving monthly transfusions of Avastin, which is a blood vessel growth inhibitor.  I do not expect there to be MANY side effects, but I will not know for sure until my first transfusion after June 10th. I hope my hair will grow back.  I cannot say that my Scan Anxiety has disappeared completely, as this disease is notorious for recurring, there will be more CT scans in my future, but for now I can turn High Anxiety down to a 6 or more likely a 7. I will also continue to consult with Sharsheret, the Jewish organization which has provided me with information, a mentor and just kept my head on through this whole process.

If you read the title to this blog post, you should be asking, what is Benching Gomel? What situation would be "serious"?

Birkat Hagomel (pronounced beer-KHAT hah-GOH-mel),” is commonly said after recovering from serious illness, but can also be recited in gratitude for completing a dangerous journey.

This blessing for deliverance is typically recited in the presence of a minyan, or prayer quorum, often in the synagogue following the reading of the Torah.

Birkat Hagomel in Hebrew (courtesy of Sefaria)

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה ה’ אֱלהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעולָם. הַגּומֵל לְחַיָּבִים טובות. שֶׁגְּמָלַנִי כָּל טוב

Birkat Hagomel in Transliteration and English Translation

Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, ha-gomel t’chayavim tovim she-g’malani kol tuv.

Blessed are You, Sovereign of the universe, our God, ruler of the world, who rewards the undeserving with goodness, and who has rewarded me with goodness.

After the recitation of this blessing, the congregation responds:

Mi she-g’malcha kol tuv, hu yi-g’malcha kol tuv selah.

May God who rewarded you with all goodness reward you with all goodness for ever.

My plan is to bench Gomel this weekend.  I can’t tell you how grateful I am to reach this day.

For now, my physical road to remission has reached a place where I can take a breath. The work I’m looking to start on now will involve some spiritual healing. Sometimes that can be a longer road, but I know that benching gomel is the first step I want to take.

At Passover

Counting it’s that time of year

My actual sheets I used at camp 50 years ago, iron on Labels!

My last chemo is currently scheduled for Monday, July 1! I can finally start my countdown. With any luck, by the time I arrive at my ‘camp home,’ Olin Sang Ruby Institute, on Monday July 15, I will be done with this course of treatment. Well, “done” is a figure of speech,  I will continue to get a year of monthly infusions of avastin, an immunotherapy drug that helps prevent new tumor growth.

And what timing! This is also the time of the year when we count the Omer:

The period between Passover and Shavuot is called the “Counting of the Omer” (Sefirat Ha'omer). Omer means "barley sheaf" and refers to the offering brought to the Temple on the second day of Passover.  Starting from that day, the Torah also instructs that “you shall count off seven weeks. They must be complete: you must count until the day after the seventh week — 50 days” (Leviticus 23:15-16).

For years at my synagogue, Lakeside, we have counted the Omer with cereal boxes which are eventually donated to local food banks.  We put up one box of cereal for each day of the Omer: on the first day one box; the second day 2 boxes; and so on through 49 days.Not only did our cereal box counting method create a great visual of the Omer’s journey, it presented a real challenge to keep the whole thing upright. Journeys, as I’ve experienced recently, are all the more rewarding when they’re filled with challenges.

By Shavuot, when we celebrate receiving the 10 commandments, we had 1225 boxes. And let me tell you, our area food banks are very happy to watch that mountain of cereal come in the door. All of us parents know how expensive cereal is and it’s one thing food banks always need.  

We were not able to have our cereal drive this year, so if it moves you please think of buying some cereal, (the good cereal, that YOU like  to eat, nothing generic, unless you eat generic cereal) and donating it to your local food bank. If every person who reads my blog bought 2 boxes of cereal we would almost make 1225. Some of you *more frequent readers* could buy 3 boxes and we would be on our way.

Cereal boxes from 2018 and the magic door which brought different characters to our school!

Just as constructing our cereal pyramid was sometimes a challenge, as I begin my countdown, I have realized that there will  probably be *stacking challenges* in my journey. Those challenges could come in the CT scan before I go to camp, or they could come in the scans that are going to be a regular part of my life from now on. Don’t worry, I will keep everyone posted.  

I am sure that I could do some gematria here.  In gematria (a form of Jewish numerology), for instance the number 18 stands for "life".  THIS is the reason why you give denominations of $18 at B’nai Mitzvah, Wedding and other simcha recipients to stand for life!   I have never been much of a numbers person; in fact I hate math and even sudoku. All I know is that I have 3 chemo sessions left, for a total of who knows how many hours of treatment. And… That’s enough gematria.

I do, however, love midrashim (stories about Torah) and here is one for you as we wait for Shavuot on June 8-9, 2019.

When God was looking at different nations of the world to give the Torah, they all wanted to know what was in the Torah before they accepted the law.  It was only when God offered the Torah to the Jewish People that they realized its potential by saying to God, “Na’aseh V’nishma, “We will first obey and do, and then understand and listen,” (Shemot 23:7).  I have always said that Na’aseh V’nishma is the Ehrlich family motto. I am usually referring to myself as God and my law should be obeyed and then understood, obviously.

I realize now these words from the bible have become my personal motto. I’m not a doctor, but I trust my doctor’s and his team’s guidance and follow the regimen they have prescribed. And like the Jewish People receiving the Torah, I have first “done,” while I work to understand everything my body is going through. We talk about faith in an abstract sense frequently, but this is faith in its most concrete. I can’t say it’s been fun, but it’s added a layer to my relationship with Judaism.

Ehrlich's and one Leiter who Na'aseh V'Nishamah

I look forward to seeing many people over the summer.  Lakeside will soon be transitioning to Makom Solel-Lakeside over the summer and by the Fall our offices will be at the new campus.  See you at OSRUI, Lakeside or Makom Solel Lakeside! Now back to the rest of the Ehrlich’s and one Leiter obeying me, then figuring out why...

Slogging through the Chemotherapy: It’s like enduring and then SUCCEEDING in Hebrew school

Tuesday March 12 was the first  day of my new chemo regimen. In this new regimen, I receive two types of chemo at once, including IP chemo which goes straight into my abdomen. This chemo is 2 weeks in a row and includes an extra day of IV hydration.  I have not written a blog because, as the youths would say, this new chemo is “WOOF.” and has knocked me off my feet. Last night, as I lay awake, I couldn’t stop thinking and then it dawned on me: it is like Hebrew school.

First day of Chemo

YES, HEBREW SCHOOL. My first chemo was not unlike my Kitah Aleph class.  I was full of anticipation: nervous about what would happen; how long would it take: and if would it hurt me.  After my Hebrew School class, I mean chemo session, I I was like “YES, I can do this.” It was a whirlwind, but I survived it… Not unlike Kitah Aleph, where in the span of one year my students learned to read Hebrew, understand over 100 words, and learn to sing our basic prayers. I hope too that my Kitah Aleph students felt like they could do anything after their first year of Hebrew School.

First day of Hebrew School 2017

I continued on with my treatments, just as my students continue to Kitah Bet and Gimmel classes. We all had a better idea this time around of what to expect, but both me and my students wonder when we would see the end.  I knew I was getting better and some results were showing progress. There were times, however, where I couldn’t see any real results and I was also wearing down with every new treatment. Like my students, if we want to see results we need to complete the assignments. For me, that means attending all chemotherapy sessions.  I must keep up my health and these appointments help me do that. My family (or the editors of my blog) would certainly not allow me to miss an appointment just because I just didn’t feel like going.

First day of Hebrew school 2017

In Bet and Gimmel, differences between students become more apparent. Some students want to speed up the learning, while others are just trying to hang on.   They know they are making progress, but don’t always like coming to school on a regular basis. Like mine, I know that their families’ play a huge role in keeping them on track, especially their parents, or perhaps an influential sibling, encourage, cajole, and make sure they get to school on time every week. I hope these families have made the pledge that Hebrew school is just as essential to their families’ spiritual health as chemo is essential to my health as a cancer patient.   

Now, when you reach Dalet, you can see where you are going:  you have a B’nai Mitzvah date, you might be planning on taking Hebrew in one of our nearby public High Schools, or you might just be happy to know the date of Hebrew school Convocation.  We always used the name CONVOCATION, to make sure our students KNOW they weren’t GRADUATING, from Hebrew school, but we hoped they would go on to Confirmation and maybe continue using Hebrew, at least at synagogue and of course camp.  

Confirmation 2016

I would say that I am in the Bet and Gimmel of chemotherapy.  I don’t have my end date and I know I have to get through about 8 more hard chemo appointments scattered over 9 -12 weeks.  Monday of this week my chemo was canceled due to a slight infection. Nothing is guaranteed. Just like a snow day, I was happy not to have chemo today, but know that I will DEFINITELY have to make it up and set up new calendar dates. Because I am no longer in Chemo Aleph, I have a little more working knowledge to handle these ups and downs.

As always the whole family thanks everyone for their day to day kindnesses of bringing us meals, checking in on us, sending cards, and doing mitzvot in my honor.  There are lots of chances to do mitzvot and, as we get closer to Pesach, if you are in Chicago check out Maot Chittim.

Need more info:Click here

Hebrew school and Chemotherapy are not unlike a marathon; you need training and must stick with it until you have completed the task.  To that end, I am trying to stay healthy, but make it into work at Lakeside as often as I can, especially for Adult Enrichment on Sunday mornings!  Hope to see you there!

Last Chemo, representing OSRUI and reading book for book group!

Do I love you? Do I WHAT?

Junior Year Abroad 1979 Hebrew University

I love watching musicals! I have watched them on broadway, at our local High School, middle school, camp; you name it. The quintessential musical, Fiddler on the Roof, I have probably seen over 50 times.  It was one of the first musicals my parents took us to see and Tevye was played by Herschel Bernardi.  

All the songs in this production are very recognizable including the dubious love duet song by Tevye and Golde:

Tevye: Do you love me?

Golde: Do I what?

Tevye: Do you love me?

Golde: Do I love you?

With our daughters getting married and this trouble in the town,You're upset. You want out. Go inside. Go lie down.Maybe it's indigestion.

Tevye: Golde, I'm asking you a question. Do you love me?

Golde: You're a fool!

Tevye: I know. But do you love me?

Golde: Do I love you? For twenty-five years, I've washed your clothes,Cooked your meals, cleaned your house, Given you children, milked the cow. After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

On March 4th I will turn 60, I have been married 34 and ½ years to Arthur, who will also turn 60 at the end of the month (on March 29). When you get married at age 25 you don’t really think about what will happen at age 59 if you are diagnosed with cancer.  Arthur and I met Junior year abroad  of college at Hebrew University in Jerusalem. He moved to Chicago so I could be near my family and I have to say now, I could not ask for a better partner, husband, father, and friend as we face this next chapter together. Arthur has rearranged his schedule numerous times to be with me at most of my chemo appointments, doctor appointments, procedure appointments and whatever has needed to be done.

He has told me I look good in all my new styles:  my new wig, my new scarves, and even with my shaved head.  I will say that he has been appreciative of all the food you have provided for us whether it came fr, or made sure we could we can eat from a lovely local restaurant.  

Now I can’t say that every day is argument free or without our disagreements, we are married after all.  In fact you can tell how things are going in our family by how many times I am forced to “google” the answer to one of our disagreements.  Occasionally, Arthur will admit he is just trying to make me google answers to our discussions at least once a day.

When I think back my our wedding on September 2nd, 1984, I remember how my professor/Rabbi Nathaniel Stampfer married us in a very traditional service.  I was actually surprised when only Arthur said the Jewish formula of: Harei at mekudeshet li b’taba’at zo k’dat Moshe v’Yisrael ("Behold, you are consecrated to me with this ring, according to the law of Moses and Israel"). When the bride consents, through her silent acceptance of the gift, a marriage has taken place, even if all other familiar aspects of the wedding are missing.

Vanessa and Arthur September 1984

I was taken off guard when I did not say that exact sentence back to Arthur but instead, Ani L’Dodi V’dodi Li, I am my beloved and beloved is mine.  I am still trying to remember if Rabbi Stampfer asked us if we would love each other through sickness and health. I am pretty sure he said these words to us and I can tell you that if he did not, we have lived out this truth for the past 6 months and feel confident and lucky as we look toward our future.  

Tevye: Then you love me?

Golde: I suppose I do.

Tevye: And I suppose I love you, too.

Together: It doesn't change a thing, but even so,

After thirty five years, it's nice to know

Lital and Cole August 2016

After almost 35 years of marriage, 4 children (one son in law) a fulfilling job and a wonderful life I find myself a very lucky women.  A Jewish greeting to someone who is having a birthday is: Ad Meah V’esrim, (May you live until 120, (the age of Moses) ). I think it is very significant that, for this birthday, if you add Arthur and my age together you get:  Meah V’esrim, 120!