Gratitude and Privilege and in Hebrew Hakarat Hatov and Z’chut

Ethan's graduation University of Wisconsin, Madison 2018

Wednesday, December 19th was my 2nd round of Chemo.  All went well. I am still wearing the Digni Cap during chemo, which freezes my head to 32 Degrees. It is not comfortable to say the least, but at the same time I am grateful for this new cooling technology, which helps to save your hair.  My goal was to have hair for Ethan’s graduation and I did. At my hospital I was able to participate and use this machine because a donor gave money for women to participate without having to pay out of pocket. I know that otherwise it would have been a very costly proposition. That’s a privilege I am benefiting from. For many other women, that kind of privilege would just be a dream.

This is how I feel all day during Chemo!

I have become so much more aware of my privilege, my Z'chut in other ways throughout my cancer journey. I live close to a wonderful hospital which I can access, due to my health insurance.  As I read in different online groups, I have realized that other women with cancer can not always afford their treatments, or pay their doctors’ bills. It is a terrible feeling to read these stories and recognize that a twist here, or a twist there and I could be in those women’s position. I don’t believe that in American, in 2018, that this should be a reality, but it is. What these same people must have gone through before the Affordable Care Act, I can’t even imagine. Thanks, Obama.

Through this all, I have worked to avoid acknowledging privilege as an exercise in guilt. Instead, I would rather express how grateful, Hakarat Hatov, I am for everyone and everything around me. I am grateful for all the support I have gotten from my family, friends and extended communities.  I had a delicious hot meal on Wednesday night, given by Denise and Jeff Goldberg, and Michelle Mutter and Rich Leonard after a long day spent with Arthur in the hospital. Wednesday morning my book club was graciously led by Lori Sagarin. I only hope they will still like me after being with such a professional. This Shabbat we look forward to a dinner from Cantor Arik Luck, Rachel Greenberg-Luck and their family! (to Sign up to help us out check out: https://my.lotsahelpinghands.com/community/inoneehrlich)

Special thanks to my sister, Wendy Shanker for coming in from St. Louis to make sure my parents and I are doing OK.  This blog would not be as well edited without Lital and Cole and this week they do their editing from Europe: Paris and Brussels.  Friends and family from far and near have checked in on me with a regularity which makes me feel so loved and cared for.

Fun weekend!

Cancer is not something anyone wants to hear or have as a diagnosis.  It is not a club you want an invite to, but it has been a reminder of what we too often take for granted. And even more importantly, it has shown me in real time that my family extends far beyond our Shabbat table. I am grateful to live among such family. Shabbat Shalom!

There are many types of medicine!

The Journey begins

It has been a whirlwind week, so I thought I would bring everyone up to date.  First chemo was Wednesday and it went well. I don’t have enough praise for all the nurses, CNAs  and other hospital staff who helped me through this first day of firsts. I wonder, is that a Shehecheyanu moment?  I will add some prayers next time I am in the chemo chair. We certainly add Shehecheyanu to the first night of Hanukkah which was Sunday December 2!

Shehecheyanu: Blessing for Beginnings

This blessing expresses gratitude for experiencing a new or special occasion, and is said whenever we do something for the first time in a calendar year. It can be recited on calendar milestones (for example: a birthday, the first night of each Jewish holiday) and other “firsts” (for example: tasting a new fruit, eating vegetables from your summer garden, wearing a new item of clothing, starting a new job, and dropping your children off for a new school year). (And I guess at your first CHEMO?)

Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech haolam, shehecheyanu, v’kiy’manu, v’higiyanu laz’man hazeh.

Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Sovereign of all, who has kept us alive, sustained us, and brought us to this season.

The most challenging part of chemo for me, so far, is the  Digni Cap. It is a new technology I am trying out. Here is how it works:

Scalp cooling is a proven approach to reduce chemotherapy-induced hair loss that has been used successfully by thousands of patients worldwide. They cool my scalp to a freezing 32 degrees. There is a built-in security sensor to ensure my scalp temperature always remains above 32° F/0° C.  

Freezing in in my Digni Cap

The cap was donated to the hospital by a former cancer patient. Putting on the cap lengthens my chemo by about 2-3 hours.  My motivation for trying this is for my youngest son, Ethan’s, graduation. He is graduating December 16th from the University of Wisconsin with a B.S. in computer engineering and computer science.   Hopefully, the Digni cap will allow me to still have hair for this special (shehechiyanu) moment and will be sure to share pictures! If after graduation I find the digni hat a little TOO challenging I may go without out next time.  For now it’s on!

It is still business as usual outside the hospital. I am working at Lakeside, doing a little walking to keep up my strength and taking care of myself.  Next chemo is after graduation and we will see if the steroids will again course through me like they did last week.  

The response to my blog and my news has been overwhelming.  I am so thankful for all of my communities and of course my family as it will take a village to shepherd us through this journey.  Our lotsahelpinghands site has already brought us dinners which are not only helpful, but delicious..  There will be more dates added as time goes on. If you have trouble with this site you can email Lital directly and she will help you out.

Many of you have asked for my Hebrew name to add to your  Mishaberach lists.  Here it is:

ונסה בּת משה לאה ויהושע

12-2 at Lakeside with Cantor Katzman

Vanessa Bat Masha Leah V’Yoshua.  It’s a long story on why Vanessa but that is for another post.  

I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me and I hope to get back to you over time.  I love reading your beautifully written messages and it certainly raises my spirits. Ok, sometimes if I read too many I cry, but it’s still so beautiful to read.  I look forward to seeing you, running into you and hearing from you.

Chag Urim Samaech

Have a wonderful Hanukkah!

Who doesn't love Radio Hanukkah?